Wednesday, June 16, 2010

got a story?

Do you have a story from when *your* child was about two months old? And preferably not a story about how your child slept through the night and you were putting gourmet meals on the table every night. Nope. I don't think those are the kinds of stories that I would like to hear right now.

Look at that sweet angel up there. We have some really great moments. We do.

He is precious and a really good baby. He's starting to smile and coo. He loves us. We love him.

One of the most valuable things I got out of our childbirth class was that *everyone* gets to a point where they think to themselves "I can't do this." I got to that point too and then found out I was at seven centimeters and I knew I *could* do it, I was in the home stretch.

What no one told me though was that the "I can't do this." feeling was going to keep recurring long after we'd left the hospital. Everyone says "it gets better." and I do recognize that I am no longer in pain, getting up every three hours through the night to nurse when I have no idea how to nurse in the first place, feeling too weak to even think of leaving the house, etc. It *has* gotten better. I guess I just didn't think that it would take so long to feel like I could "keep it together" for more than a few days in a row. I guess that there are times that I don't really believe that people are telling me the truth when they say that it gets better. I find myself battling not to play the comparison game wondering if so and so felt this way, struggled like this, etc.

I admit this isn't a happy, cheerful post.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of trying to figure out if I should read Baby Wise or Healthy Sleep Habits, should I try to follow some sort of pattern/schedule or just let the baby dictate? What in the world does he want anyway if I'm letting him call the shots? I've admittedly tried to read his little mind and keep realizing I have no clue. I'm tired of fighting the "failure" lie. One of our doctors said to read to him every day of his life. We haven't.

Just so you know, I'm not down all the time. Yesterday I was able to laugh when I had a lap full of poop. There are just ups and downs just like there were before he came along to be honest, but I just felt like writing about it tonight.

My baby is cooing right now and chewing on my shoulder.

I hope you have a good night.


fullcirclehealth said...

I appreciate your honesty. I had a LOT of those kind of days with Caden. I still do sometimes. :)

At 2 months I remember vividly going to change his diaper one night that was a less than cranky night. Nothing was on my mind probably. Not much of anything was on my mind those days besides sleeping. And then all of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks that I was his MOM. HIS MOM! I couldn't believe that I had such the responsibility and I freaked out. I'm guessing it was a mild panic attack. Trey had to come in and take Caden and talk me through it. Later that night we laughed about it.

Ahh...such are the days of sleep deprivation and feeling like it takes 110% of all that you have just to make it through the day.

Hang in there. It WILL get better. I promise. Not this month though. :)

Love you. You're a GREAT mama!


Jessica H said...

Kelly - I don't have any babies and thus no stories for you yet but I do appreciate 1) pictures of your SUPER CUTE baby 2) your honesty 3) this blog that you are using to chronicle one of life's journeys that from all accounts (moms of the world) is the most rewarding out there!

Lori said...

We had twin girls first pregnancy. The first months were a blur. We would make it a game at 2:00 in the morning to see whose baby would finish their bottle first. Then we could go back to bed before the other parent. Mean hubby says he made the nipple hole bigger with a hot needle. I guess he alway won. We would wake up and say baby or bottles and one would change while the other would warm the bottles. They were preemies so no breast feeding worked. We went straight to bottles. That did give me a bit of a rest because friends and family could help feed the little sweeties. Now 25 year olds. Huh, I still can remember that far back! Now diapers for two.....

Christian @ Modobject at Home said...

Kelly, I'm right here with you tonight. F screamed all evening... well, she pretty much fussed all day today unless I was holding/nursing her. And, we have a lot of days like today.

I realized tonight as we sat at the dinner table eating dinner (a casserole from the freezer!) how TIRED I am, not so much physical fatigue but more just tired of not knowing when/if she'll nap or if she'll be happy enough that I can put her down and spend some time with the boys.

She's 10 weeks, your little guy is 8 weeks. It feels like we've had them forever, but really they're still so very, very new. I don't know what to say except that I've been in this place before and I know first hand that it gets better. I think the hard thing is not knowing when things will get easier.

Let's pray for each other...

Cary/Ashley said...

Every word you wrote is true.
I remember telling someone shortly after Noah was born that being a mother was harder than I thought it would be, but at the same time more rewarding. Hang in there! At 2 months, we finally realized that Noah's eating fussiness was linked to acid reflux. With some medication drops our lives became much easier. Don't worry about getting things done around the house....there were days and still days that I get NOTHING done...but that's ok.:) Sending some prayers up for you tonight! Love you

Sarah Kirksey said...

When my little one was 6 weeks old, my sister and bro-in-law came to stay one weekend so they could come to baby dedication at church that Sunday. Saturday night, baby was up crying from 10pm til 3am. We sure tried everything, but poor baby couldn't settle down, and we were beyond tired and at a loss. I ended up taking her in the (walk-in) closet in our room so that hopefully she wouldn't wake up our house guests. She cried and cried for a while, and finally slept (out of exhaustion?) for a few hours.

OK, so imagine that night, then having parents, in-laws, and your entire church family staring at you in church the next morning during baby dedication. It took all I had to hold it together that morning!

It really does get better. It's not a light switch, though. It's gradual and slow, and just takes time (as frustrating as that is). Just know that you are blessed and you are loved and that you are doing a GREAT job. :)

Anonymous said...

Sweet friend. Yes. You are so very normal. I remember early on thinking...knowing...that there was indeed a magic formula out there, and that there were many women I knew who did the mom thing perfectly, and THEY WEREN'T SHARING!!! It hasn't been all that long since God has opened my eyes to realize that there isn't a secret formula. We are all the most perfect parents for OUR children, and what works for one family doesn't always for another.

I think it does get better...not necessarily because the craziness goes away or you finally arrive at that place where you have it all together, but because you get more and more comfortable in your own mom-skin, (and you get more rest!) and you are able to see a little more clearly how you and your hubby and your baby just fit as the family God planned.

You are perfect for that sweet boy! Don't believe those lies! I love you!

jennyc said...

I still have days when I think I cannot possibly make it through - It's just plain hard being a mommy. At 2 months with Colton I remember him wearing the same outfit for 3 days and I was like oh well - he's just lucky his diapers clean :) Praise music, a walk and Sonic kept me sane and still do :)

Love you friend!

Tiffany said...

Hey Kelly, I am glad you feel like you can be honest on here about whats going on. I don't know the half about having a baby, but I bet it is tough those first few months. I just can't imagine the adjustment it takes. Saying prayers for you tonight and thinking of you!

Leslie said...

oh two months is hard.... really hard... the deepest of the fog for sure.... around 4 months some of it lifts. I promise. Its not forever..... or ever.. or ever.

But it is hard. I remember longing for hot meals, longer showers, and just a moment..... to myself... Please.

You can do it Kelly. I know it. You WILL do it.. beautifully, even if it means circles around the eyes...

heres a post around this time... when Cade was born....

I can relate to the fog..

Kori said...

It is gonna be allright! Even though it doesn't seem it every moment. I have days I wonder why we thought we could have 4 kids. And other days I think 4 kids are easy. And days I think I never should have been a mother. It is part of being a Mom and questioning yourself every day - give yourself the grace that God already has!
And part of wanting to do it all right (like the laundry and floors and...) and it won't always happen -rarely will happen! :-) Read to your kid every day? Yeah, in the perfect world, which we don't have. I know your Mom reads a ton, but can promise she didn't read to you every day! I'm a reading specialist and haven't come even close to reading to my kids every day, and two of them can read great (and the other 2 are still very young!). I do PROMISE one day you will realize that it is easier and normal feeling and you have some semblance of a routine. Until then, just hang on tight!
Love you ALL!
(Oh, as to which book to read - or not - pray through that. There is no right or wrong - other than abuse or neglect :-) but there are tons of methods, probably as many methods as families! I would recommend either library or friends for the books - once you hit on one you KNOW is for you, then consider buying it only if you really really want to. I got a lot more from the books that give weekly general info on child/baby development than the ones that tell you how to raise/sleep/ feed/schedule/etc your baby.

Heather said...

I remember those days. The "failure" lie is a tough one to fight. You'll never truly get past it because there's always something that someone thinks you "should" be doing with or for your child. In the end, whatever you do, just love him. There are days when even that's hard, but he won't really remember these days anyway. You think you're a terrible mommy when you start yelling at your child for no reason at all, but if you really think about it, do you remember your mom yelling at you when you were little? Probably not. My mom says she yelled at us plenty, but I sure don't remember it.

All that to say, it is hard sometimes. Just hold on to the precious moments and they help make the tough ones easier.

Jenni said...

I got to spend a few days this week playing with Emily while Heather was packing and I am still wiped out. I know a 2 year old vs a 2 month old are different battles, but I have a slightly better appreciation for the work of my sis for the past two years. And the upcoming days and weeks and months and years for you.

I've heard the saying the days are long and the years are short and the past couple of days showed me that too.

All that to say, hang in there. You are doing a great job. I know it. Hugs and prayers. Love you!

Karen said...

What a blessing all the comments to your post were. You are truly blessed with many wonderful, caring friends. Hang in there sweet daughter and friend. You are already a great mom and will get get greater with each passing day. And Kori is right, I didn't read to you every day and look how great you turned out.